It has been two months since I became a mother. It all came suddenly, as she came out two weeks ahead of schedule.
I did not want to admit this at first. But yes, I am having postpartum depression.
What I thought was just baby blues at first blew into hours and days of sudden crying, missing the busy life I had before pregnancy, and feeling sad being a captive of the condo unit and of my daughter. I don’t know how to take care of this newborn. Giving her a bath was scary. Breastfeeding my daughter became a 24 hour job. Carrying her tiny body was like carrying a priceless crystal glass you’d never want to break.
My then operatic repertoire was overtaken by endless nursery rhymes, Brahms’ Wiegenlied, and funny silly rhymes I can’t imagine I have composed just to make her calm and sleep. It’s as if I can’t do anything else except attend to her needs. I felt can’t even eat, take a bath, dress up, or pee. I’d just look at the clock and let time pass, only to find out that another day is coming ahead. It even came to a point that I feel my husband is not supporting me at all. Of course, he must work.
If only I could go out and bring my baby along, though it’s a tad too early for the little one. I turned down a lot of work already and it saddens me. I only attended one Mass in two months (thanks to television masses I’ve caught up on other Sundays). I fear that I will not be able to get back to the career I was just trying to build.
Simply put, I don’t know how to become a mother.
But I love Aria. She is a joy to watch. She is like a little girl who seems to want to talk already, very attentive and smart, and she rewards you with a sweet smile. She may cry loud at times and hushing her down seems to be a challenge. But I’m up for it, especially when I’m singing for her. Most of all, she’s the most beautiful baby I’ve ever seen. And we’re blessed that she came out normal and healthy.
There. I’ve let it all out. Now, time to smile and become a mom.